Valentine’s week arrives loud and bright. Classrooms fill with paper hearts, tiny cards are passed around, and reminders to be kind seem to be everywhere. It is a sweet season, full of good intentions. And yet, for many children and adults, it is also a week when emotions run high.
Tears come more easily. Patience runs thin. Big feelings show up in surprising ways. Love may be the theme of the week, but overwhelm often sneaks in right alongside it.
When a child melts down, snaps at a peer, or completely shuts down, it can feel especially confusing during a time meant to celebrate kindness and connection. But love is not absent in those moments. It is buried. When a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed, their body shifts into survival mode. In that state, choosing kind words or gentle actions becomes incredibly hard.
This is especially true for children with neurodiverse brains, like my son’s, but it is something all of us experience. It is difficult to act in love when our bodies do not feel safe.
That is where self regulation comes in. Self regulation is love in action. It is the quiet, unseen work that happens inside the body before loving behavior ever shows up. It is the pause before reacting, the breath before speaking, the moment of grace offered inward.
During Valentine’s week, we often talk about love languages, but our nervous systems have their own ways of receiving love. Sometimes love looks like physical reassurance. A hug, a hand squeeze, or the steady weight of a blanket. Sometimes it sounds like gentle words. You are safe. I am here. We can work through this.
Sometimes love is quality time, choosing to sit beside a child instead of correcting from across the room. Sometimes it is an act of service, helping a child calm their body before expecting compliance. Sometimes it is a tangible support, like a fidget, a visual reminder, or a quiet space to regroup. Sometimes it looks like taking a few extra minutes at bedtime to practice executive functioning skills, using resources designed for kids.
One tool we have found especially helpful in our home is an executive functioning workbook by Sharon Grand. It offers simple, accessible ways for children to build awareness and skills. When used alongside relational supports like connection, co regulation, and consistency, these resources help children build a toolbox of strategies they can use at school, at home, and beyond.
Scripture reminds us that love is patient, but patience is rarely just a matter of willpower. Patience often grows out of regulation. That means we, as adults, need to pay attention to our own nervous systems too. Our regulation sets the tone.
Jesus modeled this beautifully. He often withdrew to quiet places, choosing rest and stillness before engaging the demands around Him. God does not withhold love until we are calm. His love is what brings calm. Be still and know is not just spiritual wisdom. It is an invitation for both body and soul to settle in His presence.
What if Valentine’s week became an opportunity not just to encourage kindness toward others, but to teach children how to offer love to themselves during hard moments? These are valentines too. They are small, steady acts of love that help someone feel safe, seen, and supported when their heart or body feels overwhelmed.
The candy will disappear, and the cards will eventually be tossed, but the lessons of regulation remain. When we teach children how to calm their bodies and minds, we are teaching a kind of love that lasts. Love that waits. Love that repairs. Love that understands the body before correcting the behavior.
Before children can show love in the way we hope, they need help feeling safe enough to choose it. And that, right there, is grace in the disarray.
Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. — Psalm 46:10.
Grace in the Disarray 